Saturday, January 2, 2016
Day 1 after chemo
Lately, it’s been really hard to find the right words to express how I’ve been feeling. I thought this process of journaling would be easy and that I would find it as some kind of relief. However, when you are not used to being the downer at a party, writing things that are mostly about the pain and discomfort you are feeling can be hard to share. Plus, in all honesty, I think I am still dealing with anger about this whole thing. So much so, that I find myself retreating and not letting people in. I know it’s wrong and what I promised myself not to do, but sometimes I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until something or someone wakes me up with either a visit, a text, or a phone call.
Last night was pretty rough. My acid reflux and nausea were acting up pretty bad and because of it, I didn’t get much sleep. I felt horrible for Jose because I know he didn’t sleep well concerned about how I was feeling. Morning came quick. I guess at some point I fell asleep because before I knew it, it was 7 a.m. and the kids were making noise in their cribs.
I felt as if all my energy had been zapped from me and my throat felt like a huge sore lump. It was awful and to add insult to injury, my hair is now falling out more. It’s all rushing in pretty fast.
As I hear my kids ask for me, I feel a sense of sadness. They see me now and the first thing out of their mouths is, “Mommy sick? Is Mommy going to the doctor? Bye Mommy.” It always makes me laugh at first because I think, wow I have really smart kids, but then it hits me “Whoah I have really smart kids, so smart that they are putting everything that is happening together and realizing mommy is not the same.” They watch me more now and ask if I am ok. It really breaks my heart and I pray that this is just a faint memory or something that they don’t remember at all, especially since I know things will get worse before they get better.
Lord, please help the guilt for how this is affecting my family not get the best of me.